goals and balance

Tomorrow morning is my first ever half marathon race. And I am not running it.

I have reasons for why it just didn't happen, but at the end of the day, I'm just so frustrated and bummed. I think it's because of a few things--1) I paid $70 to register,  2) it was one of the few actual New Year's resolutions I made this year, and 3) running that far was something I had never expected to be able to do, so when it became realistically achievable, all of a sudden not being able to do it is more of a let down than not ever trying to do it at all. Wow, long run on paragraph there. Does that even make sense? Yep, I think it's mostly reason number three. Actually probably a combination with 4) the actual reasons why I didn't train for it, but I won't go into those (and no, it's not something cool like a pregnancy, sorry to disappoint :)).

It's so frustrating to push yourself toward something and then not actually accomplish it. What's ridiculous is that this goal isn't cancelled, it's just postponed. It shouldn't be such a big deal. I can still run. There are more races. I can still make it happen. I WILL still make it happen. I'm just mad that this goal didn't happen on my time frame. But hello, since when do things ever really happen on our time frame? Life happens and we have to adjust. I was reading the verse in Mosiah one day that talks about not running faster than you have strength and knew that my literal physical running needed to tone down for a season while I worked on balancing other aspects of my life.  The tricky part is to still keep running. Just because we're told to not run faster than we have strength doesn't mean we quit running altogether. We still give it our all to the degree that we can balance all that's required of us and we don't sacrifice the most important things.

One of Steve's favorite methods of encouragement when I'm struggling is to remind me of Stephen Covey's "season of imbalance" theory. During every finals season, our big moves, travel months, the arrival of a new baby, etc, we've had to adjust to a season of imbalance. Sometimes they're a week, sometimes a month. Right now I feel like I'm just starting to come out of a personal season of imbalance that's lasted more than seven months. At times I've felt tired, overwhelmed, discouraged, and at some points brought to my lowest of lows. However, life is teaching me that those moments pass. Sometimes life is smooth sailing, sometimes it is hard. It's a constant ebb and flow and we have to be constantly readjusting ourselves and making sure our hearts and minds are focused and centered on the Savior. When we're in a season of imbalance, we just accept what's required of us and make the changes we need to make in order to get through it. Sometimes that means slowing down. Lately I've felt like the most imperfect person on the earth and so I think this upcoming race has just been weighing on me as a reminder of how I'm failing. But guess what. I'm over it. I'm not a failure. I've been through a season of imbalance and I'm coming out on top. I am a strong person and when it makes sense for me to run a big race like that, I will run it. Hopefully the metaphorical marathon season of imbalance I've been running lately instead will be over, or at least more manageable, soon.

Wow I feel like these are just a bunch of jumbled thoughts that are thrown together in a nonsensical fashion. It's probably because I'm trying to share my soul without going into detail, so sorry if this confusing. I just have never been good at journaling so it feels good to get my thoughts out into space. And I don't want our blog to seem like we don't struggle or that we're not a real family. We are. I am a real, very imperfect person. But I'm plugging along. I'm not running faster than I have strength, but I'm running. And life is good. God is good. And we're good.