lessons for a new mommy #1493:

Since I am a first time mommy and Jaden is a first time...Jaden...we have a lot of firsts in our house. First smile, laugh, step, they all get recognized and *usually* get documented on our blog. Today's first though kind of caught me off guard. It wasn't like a first word or sleeping through the night for the first time. However, it gave me something to think about, so I wanted to share my thoughts.

This morning we headed to our weekly Wednesday playgroup. Today's event was reading and craft time at the library. We got there late but had plenty of time for Jaden to flirt with the little girlies and shake the easter egg maracas before the time was over. As we were getting ready to leave, we got distracted by all the learning toys in the children's part of the library. Since we didn't have anywhere to be, why not? Of course we'll play. For Jaden it's always fun to have new, different toys and it's especially fun to be surrounded by other kiddos.

So he's playing while Mom is trying to remain in the background and not be an overprotective parent. After all, we need to foster some independence and imagination, right? And all is well... until Jaden decides to get in the playing space of a darling little 4 year old boy that we know. Cute little boy kind of pushes Jaden away. Jaden of course doesn't understand sharing and comes right back. He gets pushed away again, a little harder. This happens a couple more times. Now, I probably should have intervened at this point but didn't. I guess I wanted to see what would happen--would Jaden get the message? Would the little boy let him play? Should I say something to someone else's child? I made the decision to go get him right when the little boy had enough and HEAD LOCKED Jaden, pushed him and flipped him onto the ground. I felt like I was watching a wrestling match! Of course Jaden was scared and probably a little hurt, so there was a whole lot of screaming/crying for a minute. The little boy's mom, a friend of mine, came over and disciplined her son while I tried to comfort my upset baby.

Okay, so no big deal right? Toddler gets picked on by older kid, happens all the time. That's part of playing, part of being a younger child, part of learning to share. Right, it really is no big deal. Which is why I was shocked at my reaction. I saw it happen and as soon as my little boy registered pain and anguish, SO DID I. As I held him while he cried, I really felt like crying. Um, hello, not in the middle of the library! What in the world? But I realized in that split second that I CANNOT PROTECT MY CHILD FROM THE PAINS OF THIS WORLD. I have to let him experience those things. He has to get hurt and I have to let him. I cannot baby gate and rubber band shut everything in his life. He has to learn that his choices have consequences. People may not always be nice to him. He may bite off more than he can chew or get in to something over his head, and sometimes I will have to just watch it happen. But I hope he knows that he can come to me and cry and I will do my best to comfort him and make him feel better.

I made my heart slow down as I rocked my baby--only for about a minute--until he was over it and ready to go play again. We played for a little while longer and then headed to the car. As soon as I made it to the privacy of our own car on the road though, I admit it, I cried. The more I thought about how I felt as a mother, the more I imagined how Heavenly Father must feel. Funny how every parenting lesson I receive has spiritual overtones. I increasingly see parallels to my relationship with my Heavenly Father as I learn how to parent. As I drove home, I could just hear my Heavenly Father saying the same things to me: "Audrey, I can't stop everything in this world from happening to you. You HAVE to experience things because that's how you grow. But I hope you know that when you feel pain and anguish, I feel it too. I hope you will run to me and allow me to comfort you through the hard things you go through. You are my child and I want you to have joy. But in order to know what true joy is, sometimes you have to pass through sorrow, disappointment and pain. Just don't forget that I'm here with you through all this. I just love you so much that I want to let you make your own choices." And I thought about how I react when I'm in "growing" situations. Do I RUN to my Heavenly Father for comfort and help or do I just wallow and try to figure it out on my own? I was amazed at how quickly Jaden was over everything--sure he cried for a minute, but then he got up, brushed it off and was back to playing. I think that's part of what the Lord meant when He said to "become like a little child". No grudge, no guilt, no criticism. Just faith in the Lord and trust that He can make things better.

Anyway, just some thoughts I wanted to throw out on the *viral* table. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who has ever cried the first time their kid got picked on...?? At least I hope not, haha. And even if I am, it is what it is. If you're a new mommy who's not quite to this stage yet, just know you have permission to cry if you want because it's been done. You're welcome. :) However, it's interesting to see how I'm growing and progressing as a mom. I think this time last year I would have freaked out and stressed over motherhood as a whole. Today, contrary to what this post sounds like, I really didn't freak out. If anything, this experience is one of those things that makes me just love being a mom. With Heavenly Father's help, I can do this and anything.