9 p.m. on Mother's Day

This is what 9 o'clock at night looks like at our house.
Both boys begging for bedtime.


This was Mother's Day and I think they were both exhausted from pampering me all day long.

Here's how my day went:
Steve got up early to prepare his Young Men's lesson and TURNED OFF the baby monitor so I could sleep in while he took care of the baby.
I woke up to tulips on my kitchen table, along with a letter and a Reeses' from Jaden, and a letter and a Snickers from Steve.
Along with the letters Jaden gave me some money he had been "saving" to go pamper myself in some way (who knew he was so rich?) and Steve gave me some coupons of service.
Meanwhile, Steve had made me cinnamon rolls for breakfast.
Then he got Jaden ready for church so I could get ready.
During church, Steve very willingly (like always) accompanied me on a musical number I was asked to do, then took care of a VERY poopy diaper:
like change-the-outfit poopy.
In fact, he changed every diaper all day long.
Then after church he made me the dinner of my choosing
--homemade Hawaiian pizza--
while we both skyped with my missionary brother and family.
No wonder they were both so tired!
Thank you SO much, boys!
I'm so blessed to have you both and I love you so much!!

This Mother's Day was interesting for me. I feel so bad that I totally dropped the ball on honoring both our mothers this year because I have been totally wrapped up in surviving as a mother myself. The past few weeks (ever since Jaden's breathing episode) were really difficult for me. I think I finally went through the baby blues that come with having a baby. I don't know why, but that breathing experience sent me into the weirdest funk of anxiety that I could not get out of for several weeks. Long story short, I felt incredibly overwhelmed with the responsibility of keeping a child alive and well, and struggled to find the joy in being a mother.

(I don't know why I'm sharing this, other than in an attempt to be transparent and not seem like all my blog does is brag about my seemingly "perfect" life--thanks Anna :))

But I learned so many things during those weeks of struggle with myself.
First, I learned that motherhood is, in fact, hard. (Um, duh?) Up until now, sure it's been hard physically--pregnancy, birth, recovery, sleepless nights, nursing, etc., but I'm just beginning to realize that motherhood is extremely difficult emotionally and spiritually, too. Their problems are your problems, their heartaches and pains are your heartaches and pains, their joys are your joys, and so on.

Which led me to step two of what I've learned--I need to rely heavily and constantly on my Heavenly Father. I can't do it on my own. He knows me and He knows Jaden and if I act with faith instead of fear, He will give me the help and guidance I need. When I was at one of my lowest points, I found this. I had seen it before while I was expecting Jaden, but it means so much more to me now. So anyway, I'm trying to live with the Spirit more abundantly in my heart and home and I've definitely felt a difference.

Third, I am so blessed to have the mothers in my life that I do. My mom and mother in law are amazing examples to me of what motherhood should be. Not only have I learned from their previous experiences when they were in my shoes, but I learn from how they continue to mother today. I talk to each of them at least a couple of times a week, usually with a problem or question, and they're always willing to drop whatever they're doing to help me. Even to the point of dropping their plans for weeks at a time to fly across the country last minute--my mom missed half of Christmas plus the next two and a half weeks when Jaden was born and Julie missed Easter and Emily's prom to help me for a week when I was scared to death of being with Jaden by myself. Even though being across the country from family is lonely and difficult sometimes, they've helped close the distance. They've shown me that being a mother to your kids (no matter how old they are) is more important than money, time, distance or sleep. And when they can't do anything else, they pray for us. And I feel those prayers. I am so grateful for their endless service and motherhood.

Their charity has helped me realize the fourth major thing I've come to understand this week. Charity is not something that simply falls on you when that baby is born. It takes work. My mom is charitable, kind and selfless because she has worked on it for years. It's been a hard adjustment to being a stay at home mom because I've been focusing on the things I've been doing, how I contribute to society, what I'm missing out on in the business world, how I can still keep up my skills and not let my education go to waste. Granted, I realize that I have to take care of myself and it's important to have balance and personal time and interests, but for heaven's sake, I have been so selfish! This time isn't about me growing and developing, it's about taking what I've learned and putting all my hard work and effort into helping my little boy grow and develop. When I realized that, all of a sudden my days weren't long and boring anymore. Nothing really changed in our activities or schedule, but as soon as my attention was more directed to Jaden than myself, I found so much more joy in the things that I'm doing. Not that I was ignoring him before, because I wasn't, but letting go of my pride and just being happy with where I am in life right now has increased my love for him and my gratitude for the opportunity to be his mother.

I can honestly say that I both love and like being a mom. It hasn't been easy to say that these past few weeks, but I am at a point right now where it's true. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and that Jaden was sent to Steve and me for a reason. I'm so grateful to be learning charity, love, patience and understanding from him. I know that throughout his life this little breathing episode will be nothing compared to what's in store, but hopefully I've begun to learn things that will help me in the trials that continue to come.

Wow, sorry for the personal journal entry, but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and let some of my dear friends who are new moms know that if you're ever feeling discouraged, you're not alone. I know we don't often see it on Facebook or Blogger, but we all go through the ups and downs of motherhood--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And even though I live at the end of the world (at least the end of the country) I still think about you all and pray for you! Hang in there, whatever challenge you're going through.
Happy (belated) Mother's Day!
Love you all!